“If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” – Stephen R. Covey

Covey opens this chapter with a very interesting insight on the four basic types of communication. They are reading, writing, speaking and listening. 

Think about the amount of time and effort you have spent learning to master the first three. How much time have you spent mastering listening? If you’re like me, not near enough

Covey’s solution to this problem is empathetic listening – listening with the intent to understand. There are four developmental stages of empathetic listening. By understanding these stages, we can move our listening skills from the basement to the penthouse. The stages are:

1. Mimic: Mimicking is often referred to as active or reflective listening – which I thought was a good thing until I read this chapter. Covey makes a great point that mimicking without the intent to understand is not effective and often does more harm than good.

2. Rephrase: Like mimicking, but you took the time to rephrase what the person said. Still not where we want to be.

3. Reflect Feeling: In this stage, we reflect not only on the words said (which reveals only 10% of their intent) but also the tone and body language used. Using this information, we try to determine how the speaker is feeling. We then test our findings by stating them to the speaker.

4. Rephrase Content and Reflect Feeling:  This is the top of the listening game. We heard what was said, how it was said and report that information back to the speaker to see if we got it right.

When we listen this way, the speaker feels heard and understood. When the speaker feels heard and understood, they will share more. As they share more and we continue to listen at level 4, the real intent of the conversation comes to light. Amazingly, the speaker will often solve their own problem as you let them process the facts and their emotions.

Now that we know how to understand, how can we get better at being understood?

Covey points us to the Greek philosophy embodied in three sequentially arranged words. They are:

Ethos. Ethos is your personal credibility. Does your audience trust you? Have you built up their Emotional Bank Account? If you don’t have a high ethos with your audience, you can build it. But it will take time.

Pathos. Pathos is empathy. With Pathos, you will seek to understand the other party’s position as well as they do. You want to understand what they are thinking and why they are thinking it. You mentally walk a mile in their shoes.

Logos. Logos is the logic of your presentation. We can create a truly convincing presentation only after we have mastered ethos and pathos. Far too often we start our presentations with Logos

Seeking first to understand is a tool we always have inside our circle of influence. Whenever you feel you have no cards left to play in a discussion, go back and seek to understand at a greater level.

As we understand others better, we become influenceable – which is a form of vulnerability. Being influenceable is the key to influencing others.